Sunday, January 2, 2011

2010 Christmas Letter - Better Late than Never

January 2, 2011


Dear Family and Friends,

I’m sorry this here letter is so late. Things have been a little tight and I thought I’d wait till stamps went on sale the day after Christmas just like those boxes of cards I used to send, but that didn’t work out so good. Our government might be in the business of handing out money to every foreign country begging for a billion or so, but when it comes to helping one of our own to keep in contact with loved ones, like Marvin, Sr. said, Uncle Same don’t give a damn.

Truth be told, I couldn’t have gotten the cards out before Christmas. The doc changed my medication to one of those generic ones and I got such a case of dry mouth that I couldn’t have licked all those envelopes anyway. I did manage to smooth out the plaster in the bathroom that’d been driving me crazy. But that’s enough for now about me and my problems.

Our little grandson Everett had a 2010 to remember. He’s made a name for himself at Mutton Grove Elementary. Everett’s moved up to one of those classes for kids with special abilities. It wasn’t but two weeks after school started that his teacher suggested it. Seems that little Everett knows a little about what the firemen called subtaneous combustion. And that kid’s only in the second grade. Marvin, Sr. and I are thinking he’s got a bright future ahead of him. Just maybe he’ll be the one to come up with something to make life better. Marvin, Sr. is hoping it’s a shot to prevent foot fungus. We’ll just have to wait and see.

I’m sorry to say this year hasn’t been as kind to his sister Mary Lula. All those state budget cuts have put an end to her college days. And after she’d worked her way up to head fryer, too. Anyone who’s met our Mary Lula knows that girl’s always been a giver. Always thinking about the other guy. So it won’t come as any surprise that our granddaughter is going into the medical field. Mary Lula is training to be a massage therapist at the Feel-Good Parlor downtown. Lots of hands on experience she says. She’s working to build up her own customer list. Some of them must be in pretty bad shape and get sick real easy. Lucky for her, she’s got a great boss who pays for the medications she needs to fight off any germs those poor souls she tends to might spread.

For those of you who might have heard that nasty rumor going around after Marvin, Jr.’s picture was in the paper in that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell protest this fall, I want to say it was all a BIG misunderstanding. We didn’t get cards from a number of you and I think this is probably the reason.

Let me start of by saying, Marvin, Jr. has been home for a year now and he’s getting used to civilian life again. It hasn’t been easy, but with the Lord’s help, lots of love, and a good parole officer anything is possible.

If you heard that Marvin, Jr. disappeared the night before the protest, that would be factual. We couldn’t find him anywhere. Our first thought was aliens got him, but then Jerry Springer did that show about crazy things people do when they have post automatic stress syndrome and we were nearly out of our minds with worry. Then we saw him on the 6 o’clock news. We were relieved for a minute, but when we saw those perverts he was with, I’ll have you know I was sick to my stomach and my heart nearly broke in two. Marvin was furious and wrote Jr. right out of the will.

But what you may not have heard was that Marvin, Jr. was a victim of the media. Like so many other upstanding citizens. Marvin, Sr. says, that damned first amendment should have some limits set. Anyway, seems there was a convenience store hold up and just because Marvin, Jr. had that one little incident before, and a gun was involved, they took him in. A case of profiling if ever there was one. The storeowner didn’t pick Marvin, Jr. out of the lineup, so they let him go. Eventually. But first they asked him a slew of questions about his past. Kept him there all night. On his way home, Marvin saw those Don’t Ask Don’t Tell buttons. With all he’d been through, he thought it was a good idea and joined in. That should have been the end of the story, but did the media report that Marvin, Jr. was suckered in? No, they did not. We asked them to come interview Marvin, Jr. and let him tell his side of the story. He is a convicted felon not a homosexual. No word from them thus far. We’ve forced to spread the word ourselves.

Also, any reports that we’re moving are false too. There’s no way we’d leave our double wide with only ten more years to go until it’s all ours.

On to some good news. Albert’s made us grandparents again. Twins! A boy and a girl. I’ll send pictures when the impetigo clears up. There were some tense moments though. Albert’s girlfriend Joleen, was also dating a football player and a bartender. Marvin, Sr. told Albert to demand a paternity test. Our Albert is a stubborn one. He saw what a nervous wreck his brother was last year going through the same thing. So Albert told Joleen to get herself a maternity test. We didn’t want to get too cozy with the babies until we got the results. And guess what? They’re both hers! Christmas is going to so much fun those two little ones crawling around. The boy has a hankering for tinsel. Changing his diaper is a Christmas delight. Marvin, Sr. snapped a photo or two of the output. I’ll send that along too.

Karen Sue and her new husband Irving are getting along just fine. Karen Sue is working at K-Mart and loves making the blue light sales announcements. I’ll tell you, the girl’s found her calling. Can that girl sell! One day I came home with a dozen tubes of denture cream and my teeth are real. Irving is working at their Church. He met Pastor Hobart at one of those 12-step programs and those two hit it off right away. Karen Sue told us there’s no truth to the story making the rounds that money’s missing from the collection plate. Those new leather boots of Irving’s were a gift from a member of the congregation.

Marvin is worried about processed foods. Big company food companies raise so many of the chickens and cows in horrible conditions. They give them drugs and antibiotics too. Marvin said his granddaddy took lots of penicillin when he got back from the war and that man was the closest thing to crazy he ever knew. Marvin, Sr. is pretty sure we’re going to have ourselves a big food shortage once folks realize all this, so he’s building a squirrel preserve on our back two acres. I think preserve is a strange name given he plans to eat the critters. But Marvin says I make strawberry preserves and we eat those, so I guess he’s got a point. Bet you all can’t wait to see what we bring to the next covered dish.

An update on my mother. She did not have a stroke as we feared. She was at Senior Citizens playing Bingo and her speech got all slurry, her eyes crossed, she said she thought she was in Never Never Land. They rushed her to the hospital and we met the ambulance there. Who would have thought that nice old gentleman playing the four cards next to her would slip her a date rape drug?

That’s all the news from the Marvin Slangby family.

Happy New Year!
Elvira Slangby

P.S. We missed you all at the New Year’s Day reunion. We drove all the way to Earl Bob’s place, but I guess we had the wrong time, being that everyone was gone when we got there. I’m making up the 2011 calendar, so far I’ve got all of Marvin’s proctologist appointments penciled in. Let me know as soon as the next date is set. I’ll mark the date with a big X.

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