Monday, October 19, 2009

Everything New Is Old Again

I’ve never expected to find our home on the cover of House Beautiful. There was a time I might have thought it worthy of honorable mention in House Comfortable or House Pleasantly Habitable. Today, however, I’d nominate it to be the centerfold for House Demanding.

We’ve tried to be good to our house. We’ve given it some of the best years of our lives, but somehow it’s never enough. When we first saw it nearly 25 years ago, the place was empty and lonely. My husband, three children, and I took the house as our own and moved our furniture into its barren space. We hung pictures on the wall. We painted a room or two. And the house felt better, but it wanted more.

Its closets were vacant and abandoned. They had no purpose. We moved in clothes, shoes, and hundreds of boxes holding our precious stuff. The house swallowed it all in just one gulp, but still was not satisfied. With time and perseverance we filled each and every one of its nooks and crannies. It was full and remained that way. For a while, the house was happy, but that was short-lived.

A few short years later, the house grew tired of its appliances of harvest gold, avocado green, and coppertone. It moaned those colors were no longer fashionable causing it embarrassment beyond belief. We responded by telling the house those appliances were perfectly functional and much nicer than the ones our childhood houses had been happy with. The house rolled its shades at that one. We stood our ground, but the house was determined. It taunted the appliances until the refrigerator melted our ice cream and froze our lettuce; the stove didn’t clean up after itself; the dishwasher regressed to wetting the floor.

It didn’t end there. The house demanded almond appliances. After all, our fibbing two-story promised, almond would never become passé and teased us with the prospect of increasing its resale value. It also wanted and got new wallpaper since the old didn’t go with the new color scheme. It sulked until we agreed the countertops were shabby and installed butcher block the house swore would last till Armageddon.

The house wore us down until we felt it was easier to cave than fight. We told the house we would give in this time, but this time only. And it darn well better enjoy and appreciate this because after this kitchen remodel, we were finished. Did it understand? The house dutifully agreed. I think it crossed its downspouts behind its back.

The house was content for a few years before it had issues again. Small ones at first. A room painted here. Some wallpaper stripped there. We thought this reasonable. What house can be expected to wear the same coats year after year? It pushed the limit at faux painting, but we managed to accommodate even that.

All was quiet on the home front for a time. Suddenly the house hinted that its sump pump had seen better days. We turned a deaf ear until six inches of rain proved us wrong. The house got its way yet again.

Our house was not immune from the lure of botox and facelifts. We installed triple-paned windows, replaced its sagging shutters, and hung a new front door. These things appeased it. For a time.

The house has discovered HGTV. I know it’s our fault. We should have monitored the programs it views more carefully, but we thought the house was sleeping. We were so wrapped up in our own lives we didn’t even notice. Once again the house has a list of demands. Granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, and a hot tub. At this writing we’ve reached a stalemate. The house sees itself in need of an extreme makeover and we’re thinking it’s designed to sell.